With the recent changes, I've realized that Gaia just isn't Zaadz and I've moved my blog.

Visit me at Maddonni.Wordpress.Com!

I wish for the elimination of suffering for all sentient beings. I know, that is a very tall order which is why I'm starting with small steps by working on myself first. The best path to influencing others is by living my beliefs. Keeping myself focused on this goal seems to be the hardest part! I am so often distracted that at times it is disheartening. Recently I read that one way to address this is to use the distractions in a way that helps me achieve my ultimate goal. How do I remember to do that? At a meeting last night some folks remarked on how they have reminders all around them such as pictures of their teachers or notes they leave in certain key locations. I'm going to give this a try and see how it works for me. Books on bookshelves and one room with devotional items is just too easy to sidestep it seems.

What I'm addicted to depends on what means of escaping from reality I find most appealing. Sometimes I am a whirlwind of cleaning, other times I am playing a text game or MMORPG on the internet. For a while I was incredibly enthusiastic about counted cross-stitch needlework reproductions. I can also get sucked into a book. Television is an easy habit to form, especially when it's the only time my husband and I spend together. Other previous passions include genealogy, researching a particular topic relevant to whatever circumstance I find myself in, sudoku, baking, bicycle riding, etc. Some are healthy pursuits, some are not. For the most part the problem is not 'what' I'm addicted to but that I have such a propensity for getting wholey, and completely absorbed by one particular activity. I wish it was that easy for me to eat right, meditate consistently and exercise daily. I'm working on it anyway.

Words flow forth from within. Gentle, soothing phrases envelop and comfort. Small, consistent, daily comments, their impact almost unseen from moment to moment, leave their mark over time. Strong, energetic thrusts crash harshly against the receiver rendering painful gashes and open, bleeding, emotional wounds. Worse yet is the desperate, parched thirst for things not said but sorely needed.

Words shape others' perceptions and often the path ahead. Even the smallest comment makes a significant mark. Sometimes they trickle forth, bubbling out a little at a time like a cool, mountain spring. Occasionally there is a blast, a geyser vehemently thrusting outward in random directions. Once expelled, they defy containment or control.

Words arise from the underground river of thoughts. A better awareness of the river, hopefully, leads to a wiser and more careful use of it's resources.

I'm having a hard time being kind lately. I've fallen off the healthy path in an attempt to avoid aspects of my life I find challenging to bear. At first I don't think it will be too bad. I'll just do this one thing or another for a short time, I tell myself. Yeah right. I'm good at lying to myself or maybe it's that I'm good at trying to believe what I tell myself. Probably because I want to believe it. In my mind I will get back to the healthier path tomorrow. Funny how tomorrow doesn't seem to come around for months at a time. Then I find myself here, having taken so many steps backward that I now have to take small, determined steps forward, slowly, so I don't step backwards instead.

I've returned to my meditation and I'm walking everyday too. That and eating healthier are a good start. My husband is worried about me because, he says, I seem to be heading towards a more hermit-like type of existence. Honestly, I love spending time alone. Time to myself happens only when everyone in my family is at school or work and, even then, I am usually doing things for them or the family as a whole. It's hard to keep myself from getting deeply involved in the daily minutia of life. The thing is, if I don't do a better job of taking care of myself, everyone around me is going to suffer, as they and I already have been. So I'm determined to get back on a healthier path. This year I'm considering doing a weekend retreat in our camper once a month. This just might give me the occasional stretch of silence I need. Perhaps I'll even attend an organized retreat like I did last year, but that is another entry entirely.

Ever talk with a friend in a public place without considering your being listened to by someone not a part of the conversation? I really need to pay more attention to my surroundings. I was at my child's school speaking with a friend. Apparently a classmate of my child's overheard some of our conversation and is using it to torment my child. I feel bad that my carelessness has caused my child to have to deal with this nonsense.

For so many years I would focus on managing the available time in each day, fitting in all I could on my personal agenda. I often overcommitted myself and would find myself exhausted. My usual response to that was to drop all commitments and withdraw from the world until I regained energy for life. Then I'd start the cycle all over again.

The last few years I've been trying to focus more on balance. Still, I would occasionally find myself ill or overwhelmed again inspite of my efforts. Then I read something that struck home with me. It suggested I manage my 'energy' instead of my time.

Wow.. what a concept! It never occurred to me that I might not have a limitless supply of energy for doing whatever I would schedule in my day, week, month, etc. But there it was.. what I'd been overlooking the whole time.

Now I am paying attention to how I feel all during my day. Recently I was unexplicably tired a couple evenings in a row. I listened to how I felt and rested. One night I woke up with a high fever which seemed to break that morning. The doctor thinks it might have been a virus. I've been listening to my body and resting more than I would normally. If I hadn't been paying attention to my energy level, I probablly would have pushed myself until I got a lot sicker.

I'm still working with this new concept of managing my energy instead of my time. I can already see that it is a much better way of approaching daily life for me.

I admit it. I am a research hound. When there is something I need to learn about, I go all out to gather information and synthesize what I need from it. While this has been very helpful at times, it has also been a handicap. I get so invested in what I'm learning that when it comes time to do a meeting or talk to someone else, I have a hard time listening because I feel so full of things to share.

Today I had a meeting about a topic of great importance to me - my family and working towards being a better parent. There were times I pressed my agenda but I also spent time listening. I caught myself interrupting a couple times. Still, I got some good ideas that hadn't occurred to me in my preparations. So I feel the meeting was a success.

Now... what to do with all the materials I copied! Back to organize, organize, organize....

Ever get that 'the harder I work, the behinder I get' feeling? It's only 8 AM and just looking around my house I already feel that way! Life is messy. I wish I had the time to organize, organize, organize. Instead I get the kids off to school, throw some clothes on and run out to do errands and fit in my meditation somewhere.

What drives my desire to organize my life? What makes being disorganized annoying? I've noticed that the messier my living spaces are, the less balanced I feel in all other aspects of my life. It's as if my external surroundings impact my internal experiences. I am doing what I can a little at a time. Hopefully someday I'll catch up.

About me.. I've been me for a while now. I thought writing about myself would be pretty straightforward, even easy. Instead the act of having to define myself for someone else to read made me think seriously about who I believe I am.

My first thoughts were about the many roles I fulfill based on my relationships with others - wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, student, employee, teacher, volunteer, cook, chauffeur, advisor, cheerleader... What if I didn't do these things? Would I still be me? Do I define myself through my relationships?

The next aspect of me that came to mind is the places I've been - Mississippi, New Jersey, Iowa, France, Italy, New York, California, Virginia.. Does where I visit or live define who I am?

Then, of course, there are my achievements. Does what I've accomplished while walking the path of life define me?

Will you really know -me- if I share all this information? Are these facts necessary in the knowing of who I am?

Thinking about all this, here is what I've come up with:

I am more than the sum of my present roles and past experiences.

Who I am isn't just what I've done or where've I've been.

I am the driving force behind the decisions that created those roles and experiences.

I am what is important to me and what isn't important to me.

I am what I think and what I feel.

I am also -why- I think and feel what I do.

I am a collection of every thought, word and deed I create, have created and have been influenced by.

I am every choice I have made and every choice I didn't make.

I am changing every moment based on the decisions I make, have made, the ones I'm thinking about making and everything that influences those choices.

I am all of the above and more. Writing 'About me' is looking a lot more complicated than it first did. For now I will stick with an aspiration for my future self - a quiet mind and peaceful heart so that I may benefit others - since that is at the foundation of every present thought, word and deed.